Sunday, April 1, 2012
Posted by: Roela
Time: 12:10 PM
Comments: 0
Better, better, never bitter
This post is a summary of how I spent my 13th year on Earth. This also serves as a consolation for my blog since I haven't really put much effort in my entries and I haven't made time (which I don't really have much of) to write decent blog post. If I'm going to up my 13th year it is: eventful. Maybe it's just because of my narrow vocabulary that I can't describe it in a better way, but really, it was eventful and I don't even know if I remember every significant thing that happened. Here goes:

April: I remember the excitement, preparations, anticipation that was going on because of the Royal Wedding but I didn't care about it, during those days I was busy falling deeply for him again. He came back, the memories came coming back, the feelings... & yes, I fell for the most effective joke again: I love you.
May: This is when the lies were revealed and tears went pouring. I told myself it was his lost, he lost the girl that could have loved her truly, madly, deeply. Unlike what I always I do, I didn't use smiles to hide my pain. I cried and cried until I lost every teardrop that was meant for him. I slept the pain away & told myself to never look back.
June, July: Bitter days. But it's true, that sometimes being bitter is better. Medicines are bitter but they make you feel better, right? This is when I told myself keep moving forward though it was tempting to look back. I made myself concentrate and on my studies and not let any distractions get in the way. Lesson: keeping yourself busy for an important thing like your studies is the best way to move on and forget someone.
August: Just when I was sure I have moved on, he said "sorry" Sorry? Seriously? What can your sorry do? I didn't really care about him anymore. I hid the remaining pain with smiles. I kept moving forward. Kept my goal in sight. This was the time when I realized that I had my family and friends to thankful for. But when you're too busy with your goals, you don't notice things that unexpectedly comes for you...
September: During this month, I was suppressing feelings for a guy friend of mine. I know love is complicated and if my feelings developed into a more serious state it could end our friendship and hate it that happens. So I shut my mouth and kept myself busy. But what I didn't know is that another guy friend was falling for me. He confessed and since I don't want distractions, I turned him down, immediately. I know it's gonna be awkward between us, I prepared for that.
October: It sucks losing a friend in the name of complicated, unrequited love. Just when I thought it's fine now, he'll eventually lose his feelings... he din't. And we just kept being awkward and shy around each other.
November: It's a relief seeing that friend not making efforts for you anymore. But I was quite blown away by the confession and I was a bit sidetracked with my goals. I tried and tried to keep my concentration... but I was having problems keeping it stable, for no apparent reasons. I kind of lost my motivations to study. This is when inconsistency started to creep in.
December: Remember the guy which I suppressed my feelings for. Turns out he liked my back then too. But he confessed a little too late, my feeling were already gone. But I told him that we would be better as friends, that we would never break apart if remain that way. Christmas Vacation was full of sleepless nights.
January: He started giving signals again. He started being sweet again. But there were just days when he was plain rude, some days I'd catch him looking at me when I talk to other guys. I didn't know what to do. He was just so inconsistent. I started doubting myself too, if it was him who's inconsistent or was it me? I was having trouble understanding my feelings... and suddenly something I have felt before crept into my heart. That bittersweet feeling. Again. Tried suppressing it, but with you I failed.
February: And I opened my heart to love, aware and ready for all the consequences that will come. We just have to wait for the right time. I told myself that someday, you're gonna regret the things that you didn't do, not the things that you did. If this fails, I get a lesson. So I loved like I never was broken before.
March: That annoying feeling when the first thing that get in your way is studies. Friggin' studies. I didn't know if I could do it, but tried anyway and guess what? I succeed. It was because of my fears of not being good enough, my fear of seeing my parents disappointed in me. Now, I feel soooo blessed and I thank God for everything.

After all the things that happened, I learned a lot. When you don't let you're past hold you back, it will catapult you forward. Now I'm not afraid to make mistakes and I've finally set a goal/dream that I will work for forever: To continue learning.