Since I do not need to say five meters away from him just to avoid flashbacks of good ol' times and since I do not even give a fuck about him anymore, I'm going to tell you guys the story of me and a recently lost friend on my point of view. I don't even want to hold back. The last fuck I give has flown away. 

We were in good terms since the first year of high school. Although we were not really close friends, we trusted each other. Or at least that's how I know it. 

Sophomore days came and we eventually got closer. I don't want to make any cheesy stories because we never really had any. We were friends, good friends, close friends. That was how I saw everything had back then and I was probably too busy to notice that he wasn't seeing things the way I see them. And that's probably one of my biggest flaw and my biggest problem: My politeness often gets mistaken for actions with ulterior motives. Fast forward to the great confession that I was not expecting to ever come from him. It wasn't sweet or anything near that, he was not really that type of guy. He is the type of guy who makes past tense confessions and won't make a move on you unless your feelings are mutual.He's the type of guy that calls you numb when he doesn't even send signals. I should have known by then that he's not worth it. I should have known. 

No awkwardness even happened between us after that even though I felt like I was slapped in the face when he called me numb. We remained friends, just probably because I didn't even get a chance to reject him. The confession was past tense. "I liked you back then" .

A month after the great past tense confession (January), she found a girl and he fell in love. Every night he would talk to me and tell things about her, about them. I was always there to listen. Then came my turn to fall in love. Good ol' days. 

The girl eventually got tired of him (or she didn't and there was probably another reason) and there I was ready to listen, ready to give advice I know he'd never follow. That was the time when he told me I was one of his best friends. I never had a legit best friend and I was never considered a best friend so it felt really nice. Beyond nice. I am an idealistic person and I thought a best friend is someone you can lean on, someone you can trust. Maybe my ideas were wrong or I took the wrong person to consider a best friend. 

Fast forward to the first weeks of our Junior year. Still friends but not that close. Probably because of my boyfriend's existence or because he started hating on me since then. 

Then came the night when I called him"gay". That was never meant to be an insult, I'm not even sexist but he took it seriously, waaaaaaay to seriously. I appologized but he never accepted. That bottle of hatred towards me got broken, soaking me with words that hurt like knifes impaled on my skin. (Sorry for the cheesy description but it really hurt that much. ) 

I don't know when I started hearing things from people. Things he told them about me. I knew I should get mad but I didn't because I couldn't. Those things he said we're even good no where need good. Malicious. But I just wanted to bring back the old us. There was a point where I actually missed him. And there he was, thinking I could never live a happy life without him around. 

After more that two months of missing him and wanting everything to turn back to normal, I finally got to my senses. He isn't worth it. Dammit, he's not even worth this post. I don't need people like him in my life. He's too shallow, to sensitive, he made promises and he never will do them. This is how I see it. This is the end and it will never have a sequel. 

So if the person I'm talking about gets to read this. You know who you are. Fuck you, bigtime. 

Hello thre, guise. I am sorry for not being able to post anything for more than 2 months. School is being such a pain in the ass. There have been important happenings in my life that have occured within the last two months but I can't really tell the whole story. I have been more active in my tumblr account but I'll try to make this blog updated again.

And for a few little updates:
I have a boyfriend. But I still don't like claiming people as my friend, best friend and most of all, boyfriend. I'm not possesive and I'm not a cute little girlfriend.
I have lost my best guy friend and I'll post our story later.

I made a video, guise: http://www.youtube.com/embed/gqtGgsh3wO0

Happy Birthday, Raspberry-Heavens. I call it /birthday/ because my blog is like my little baby. I'm an ugly fuck. Sorry for that. I filmed this today (06-10-12), just after Manny's fight so sorry for the shouts of bitterness from by brother who can't get over the fact that he lost. I'm keeping the promise I made. I'll run this blog until I die.

Labels: raspberry heavens

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Since it's two weeks before the school year starts, here's my schedule. I love the fact that we're not taking Art Classes anymore. I don't really think Art can be taught in school - especially with our professor. Glad that he's not going to make us do more requirements. We have an one vacant hour on Wednesdays but still, 10 minute breaks? Again? Ma'am Su's class is first period every morning. That's not really good, I will still be wanting the presence of my bed at 7:30-8:30 and the secret to passing Biology is listening to Ma'am Su's discussion - and that's not really easy. Anyways, two weeks from now is also this blog's 3rd birthday so I'm probably going to make my First Vlog. Bye for now. :*

Yesterday, I came home from my one week stay in Ilocos. I went there to get a life – that is a break from anime, books and the internet which I drown myself with during summer vacation. You might be thinking that I went sight-seeing there or perhaps visit historical places since Ilocos is pretty much historical to a sense. But no, I stayed in my Tita’s house in Batac, Ilocos Norte (somewhere near Laoag) with my cousins and no, I didn’t bond with them because like me, they prefer to be in front of the computer all day. I guess it runs in the blood.


After days of killing boredom by actually watching television which I rarely do, I decided to come with my Tita when she visited the resort/farm – I don’t even know what to call it- that they were developing. (Hence, the pictures above) There were pineapples, papayas, dragon fruits planted there. It was located in the mountains so even though the sun was painful to the skin, I was able to enjoy the fresh air. I had to take a dense and arduous path, but it was worth it. At least I was able to take a break from pollution.

(There are no pictures of me because I am an ugly fuck and there are not much pictures because my camera’s battery decided to die during that trip)

I spent another few days of boredom and then went last Monday. Though before I left, my cousins and I went out to give me a tour around Batac. They asked me if I wanted to visit the Marcos’ house and see the late president’s "preserved" body but since I’ve been there before, I declined. I would have agreed if his corpse was walking around or something like that. So, we went to this “Riverside Empanadahan” for me to taste Batac’s empanada. I was actually laughing because I only noticed the “river” when we were leaving the place since the river was dry. The empanada was great.

(I wasn’t able to take more pictures because my cam’s charger was not compatible to the outlets in their house and I forgot to bring an adapter. OTL. )

Labels: Ilocos, Summer2012

This post is a summary of how I spent my 13th year on Earth. This also serves as a consolation for my blog since I haven't really put much effort in my entries and I haven't made time (which I don't really have much of) to write decent blog post. If I'm going to up my 13th year it is: eventful. Maybe it's just because of my narrow vocabulary that I can't describe it in a better way, but really, it was eventful and I don't even know if I remember every significant thing that happened. Here goes:

April: I remember the excitement, preparations, anticipation that was going on because of the Royal Wedding but I didn't care about it, during those days I was busy falling deeply for him again. He came back, the memories came coming back, the feelings... & yes, I fell for the most effective joke again: I love you.
May: This is when the lies were revealed and tears went pouring. I told myself it was his lost, he lost the girl that could have loved her truly, madly, deeply. Unlike what I always I do, I didn't use smiles to hide my pain. I cried and cried until I lost every teardrop that was meant for him. I slept the pain away & told myself to never look back.
June, July: Bitter days. But it's true, that sometimes being bitter is better. Medicines are bitter but they make you feel better, right? This is when I told myself keep moving forward though it was tempting to look back. I made myself concentrate and on my studies and not let any distractions get in the way. Lesson: keeping yourself busy for an important thing like your studies is the best way to move on and forget someone.
August: Just when I was sure I have moved on, he said "sorry" Sorry? Seriously? What can your sorry do? I didn't really care about him anymore. I hid the remaining pain with smiles. I kept moving forward. Kept my goal in sight. This was the time when I realized that I had my family and friends to thankful for. But when you're too busy with your goals, you don't notice things that unexpectedly comes for you...
September: During this month, I was suppressing feelings for a guy friend of mine. I know love is complicated and if my feelings developed into a more serious state it could end our friendship and hate it that happens. So I shut my mouth and kept myself busy. But what I didn't know is that another guy friend was falling for me. He confessed and since I don't want distractions, I turned him down, immediately. I know it's gonna be awkward between us, I prepared for that.
October: It sucks losing a friend in the name of complicated, unrequited love. Just when I thought it's fine now, he'll eventually lose his feelings... he din't. And we just kept being awkward and shy around each other.
November: It's a relief seeing that friend not making efforts for you anymore. But I was quite blown away by the confession and I was a bit sidetracked with my goals. I tried and tried to keep my concentration... but I was having problems keeping it stable, for no apparent reasons. I kind of lost my motivations to study. This is when inconsistency started to creep in.
December: Remember the guy which I suppressed my feelings for. Turns out he liked my back then too. But he confessed a little too late, my feeling were already gone. But I told him that we would be better as friends, that we would never break apart if remain that way. Christmas Vacation was full of sleepless nights.
January: He started giving signals again. He started being sweet again. But there were just days when he was plain rude, some days I'd catch him looking at me when I talk to other guys. I didn't know what to do. He was just so inconsistent. I started doubting myself too, if it was him who's inconsistent or was it me? I was having trouble understanding my feelings... and suddenly something I have felt before crept into my heart. That bittersweet feeling. Again. Tried suppressing it, but with you I failed.
February: And I opened my heart to love, aware and ready for all the consequences that will come. We just have to wait for the right time. I told myself that someday, you're gonna regret the things that you didn't do, not the things that you did. If this fails, I get a lesson. So I loved like I never was broken before.
March: That annoying feeling when the first thing that get in your way is studies. Friggin' studies. I didn't know if I could do it, but tried anyway and guess what? I succeed. It was because of my fears of not being good enough, my fear of seeing my parents disappointed in me. Now, I feel soooo blessed and I thank God for everything.

After all the things that happened, I learned a lot. When you don't let you're past hold you back, it will catapult you forward. Now I'm not afraid to make mistakes and I've finally set a goal/dream that I will work for forever: To continue learning.

This post is a short review about The Hunger Games Trilogy by Susan Collins. These are my opinions about the book series and I hope you could respect that. Why hate, k?

The series is quite matured compared to the books I've read before. It has complicated plot and I admit I am still not used to those kinds. I liked the twists a lot. Katniss volunteering as tribute for the hunger games, the star-crossed lovers method for winning sponsors, the communication without words between Haymitch and Katniss, Rue's death, the mutts, act with the berries, the sudden change of District 12 Peacekeepers, The Avoxs, Capitol food, Uprisings, Cinna and Prim's death, Finnick, Johana Mason, PEETA <3 and The war - they were priceless. I was really not expecting that they would draw tributes from the victors for the Quarter Quell and that is my favorite twist.

No work of art is truly perfect - but I do think the imperfection contribute to the overall beauty of this piece of literature. Well, maybe it's just me and unexplained negative thoughts towards romance and anything cheesy applied to the books I read but somehow the romance between Peeta, Katniss and Gale became a little out of place during the games and the war. I mean hey, we might be dead tomorrow and hey, there's war going on, is this really the time? I sounded like Harry Potter. I really didn't like the kisses. Sure, it was ok with me during the first few but when they started kissing 234567098765432 times a day, I was getting a bit like "And they kiss again" - it became predictable.

I had no problem with GaleXKatniss nor PeetaXKatniss. But if would choose between the two ships I would go for PeetaKatniss just because I think best friends should just be best friends and Gale and Katniss are better that way. But this isn't team Edward or Team Jacob anyway so nevermind.

The element of the book which I can relate to?? Katniss's doubts and her problems in explaining and voicing out her feelings. I have been through a lot of that and that is why I loved Katniss. She kind of made me feel that I'm not a lone. What did I learn? There is no such thing as a completely happy life. There will always be sadness, hardships, doubts and surviving this would make life, itself worthwhile. Though I was a little disappointed with the ending and went HUH? WAIT WHAT HAPPENED a few times on the concluding book, overall it was a book worthy of the love of millions.